Last year my church facilitated a small group study on human temperament. The goal was to recognize temperaments in others in order to better communicate and meet their needs. Temperament is not personality but the traits that were born in you and stay with you throughout your life. After a forty-question survey I discover I am firmly in the melancholic group. That title was unsettling at first, but melancholic, in this case, does not mean depressed or sad. Melancholics are introspective, introverted, orderly, idealistic, deeply empathetic, and creative. It is called the language of perfection and order. *
The list of melancholic traits includes works well alone, enjoys solitude, analytical, can handle crisis with grace. All of this rings true. The isolation of these months of the pandemic should have been easy for me. But a melancholic also thrives on deep friendships, caring for others, efficiency, a need to finish what is started—and I am not able to complete the things on my calendar.
I don’t know why the researchers of temperament chose to use the word melancholic, which the dictionary defines as sad and gloomy. I think it should have been the deep-thinkers, the sensitives, or the empaths. I have always felt other people’s pain acutely. As a little girl, my favorite doll was Poor Pitiful Pearl, a homely, waif-like creature with a patched dress and black stockings. Unsurprisingly, I grew up and became a teacher of children with special needs. I constantly put myself in other people’s shoes, so watching the many stories of sorrow and anguish on the news is overwhelming to me, even though I am safe.
I notice there is at least one day a week that I feel absent from my life. My empathetic soul is filled with hopelessness and sorrow for our world and for all that has been lost in such a short time. Many of the activities that brought me joy are still missing from my life—tutoring adults, singing in the choir, attending church, meeting friends for lunch. I cannot write, or think, or be creative on these days.
I hate to admit it, but my second strongest temperament is choleric. This is the language of power and control. I viewed it as a negative at first, but all of the temperaments have strengths as well as weaknesses. I am not the least bit interested in controlling others, but I have the tendency to want to control myself and my surroundings. For me, it manifests in daily routines and to-do lists (I am not one to get upset if my plan is disrupted though.) I have arisen early every day during this isolation, taken a shower, and dressed every day, and I know this is because it is something I can control. It makes me feel a little normal. I even put on a bit of make-up in case I get a FaceTime call. Also, there’s often nothing else on the agenda.
We have been bombarded with ways to entertain ourselves but I would much rather have something to do than something to passively watch because a choleric is independent and self-sufficient. A choleric is highly task-oriented and efficient. This is why, after a few years of being retired from teaching, I have already accomplished most everything on my bucket list. Now, I wish I hadn’t been so efficient.
Last week I attended the funeral of my daughter’s former boyfriend who took his own life. His best friend said this time of isolation had been especially hard on him. The depression and anxiety people are experiencing does not come from being spoiled and bored, but from being human. Socializing with friends and family is what separates us from other creatures. All of our celebrations involve coming face-to-face with other humans. It was everything on my calendar. It’s a disturbance in the universe.
There are two other types of temperament: The sanguines speak the language of people and fun. They are the extroverts who have a deep need to be around people and socialize. Isolation must be most difficult for them. The phlegmatic speaks the language of calm and harmony. They do well under pressure but can be fearful and worry too much. Anyone who has two children who are completely different can tell you that they were each born with their own characteristics and this is why we are all responding to this singular tragic moment in history in individual ways. All we can do is create the best situation for our own needs and temperaments, and try our best to understand what other people are experiencing as well, although it may differ from ours.
An empath supposedly has a keen ability to sense what people around them are thinking and feeling. I often cry while watching the news. I also feel incredibly guilty at my own safety and security, but I try to remember that everyone has lost something in the midst of this pandemic, and it’s okay to miss it. And, it’s okay to hope that the most important things will return to us in time and maybe we will recognize them when they do.
*The information on temperaments is found in the book, I Said This, You Heard That, by Kathleen Edelman, North Point Ministries, Inc. 2018.
Diane Vogel Ferri is a teacher, poet, and writer living in Solon, Ohio. Her essays and poems have been published in numerous journals. Her previous publications include Liquid Rubies, (poetry), The Volume of Our Incongruity (poetry), and The Desire Path (novel), which can be found on amazon.com. She has a forthcoming novel from Atbosh Media.
No comments:
Post a Comment